Body Dysmorphia

Since the cancer treatment I cant stand the way its made my body look or feels. Its vain in the extreme but I cant help think that before I got diagnosed last November for once in my life I actually looked quite good with my clothes off. Now because of all the time I was so inactive I put on a whole lot of weight. I'm struggling to work it off because my stamina is still really shitty. It fucks me off and makes me feel like its even less likely that anyone is going to find me attractive enough to date. 

Step 1 - Admit there is a problem

Okay so hands up who is tired of being on their own? The quiet gnawing sensation of loneliness has been building up for a while now. The companionship of friends that for so long mitigated my situation, no longer alleviate it. The solice I once found in  wild nights out is sadly hollow these days. On reflection they probably were never very fulfilling anyway? Even a daily dose of anti-depressants or numbing opiates steadily hoovered up at all given opportunities cant stifle the painful stabs of emotion, realisation that my chosen path in life has left me unable (judging by events so far) to form an intimate relationship of any lasting quality or worth. Id love to say its been fun trying but really it has not. In short my experience until now has burnt me. My capacity for fostering even the first vestiges of anything with any endurance beyond a single disappointing sexual encounter are nil. 

A little about me by way of introduction. At the time of writing this I am 32 years old. Male, gay, from London, England. Of European descent and I am told good looking, witty, intelligent and with a wide circle of friends. I'm lucky enough to be employed in the design industry, which has fascinated me since childhood. A career that thankfully rewards me extremely well both financially and in terms of peer respect. My family who I am very close to are completely supportive of my lifestyle choices (both positive and less so). I have been HIV+ for a few years and take a daily treatment of combination therapy which seems to be relatively side effect free. In addition to the pills I pop for that I'm partial to painkillers generally, morphine sulphate being my current drug of choice the analgesic effects of which I often top up with Ketamine, lots of Ketamine. Recently I have fought and won a battle against cancer.

All round I would say I'm an interesting and companionable sort of chap so why I ask myself is the thing I so desperately want so elusive for me?